A Willingness To Try

You were unexpected
At the time I was in my own world of delusion
Acceptance of less
A refusal to truly experience the unknown
Stuck and Stagnant
Living under the guise of stability and comfort
Thinking that equated happiness

We met by mere chance
Hundreds and thousands of random people
And somehow we stumbled upon each other
I was startled by my immediate attraction to you
I denied it because it scared me
Because if my feelings were true
Then I was living in a façade of happiness

I didn’t know how to face that
How to admit I had been lying to myself
Just before I met you I had decided I was done making plans
That I wanted to try living in the unknown
And see where life takes me
But I had never truly faced the unknown

A month passed before we spoke again
I assumed you were long gone
But I had hoped you were still around
There was something about you that intrigued me
Something I knew without knowing
And we found each other again
But I was still fooling myself
Refusing to face the feelings that I developed so quickly for you

So I continued pretending
Only allowing myself to talk to you in a group of others
Thinking the feeling would fade
That they were one sided
That the excitement would pass
But rather than fading it continued to grow

Eventually I couldn’t deny my feelings
I couldn’t get enough of you
I wanted to learn more about you
Listen to how you perceived and experienced the world
And even without words it seemed we understood each other

You asked me once if I believed in love
And I panicked 
I felt like you had seen through my masquerade 
I don’t know if that question was directed
Or if it was simply pure curiosity
But that question made me face a hard truth
That I had accepted unhappiness

And for the first time in a long time
I felt a willingness to try
Something new
Something unknown
I had no idea what my feelings would lead to
I didn’t know what to do next
But I figured it out

It’s been a year now
A lot has changed for me
But you’re still here
And as every day passes my feelings for you become stronger
The infatuation has settled

But it’s grown into something more
Something softer and kinder
More gentle but endless
A fondness and a desire to grow closer
An unending curiosity of what could be

And I find myself again
With a willingness to try
To leave my comfort zone
To enter the unknown yet again

With you

-K.M.