Changes

The excitement of change only lasts so long
Before the weight of the unknown bears down on you
Riding the highs
Grasping at whatever positivity you can find
Evading the reality that changing is challenging

I’m happy for this ending,
I’m ready for something new
But as the pace of change begins to slow
The fear and pain starts to grow

I’ve never been so alone
This is new and I don’t want to be afraid of it
But I don’t trust myself
I’ve lost myself
And it’s been so long since I’ve gone searching for myself

Currently everything feels bland
Everything is different
But not really
I’m still me
Or the me I've allowed myself to become

Do I like who I am?
Do I even know who I am?
How do I find myself?
I’ve lied for so long
Pretending to be someone I never was

The weight in my chest hurts
I don’t understand why it’s there
I’ve been so happy lately
Why can’t I just stay that way?
Why do I always have to hit a low?

I guess I'm realizing I probably wasn’t good enough
Or that I never am, for anyone, even myself
I feel weak
But I don’t want anyone to know
I want to keep up the facade

At least then no one will ask whats wrong
And I won’t have to fake an answer
Or deal with the concerned stares when I tell them the truth
That I can’t even figure out what's wrong with me
All I know is that there's something

I know I don’t miss him
At all
I was alone, even with him
He was physically there
But emotionally he was empty for me, and I for him

Have I just accepted that I deserve to suffer?
Do I make myself suffer because I think I deserve it?
Is this pain in my chest my own way of hurting myself?
Why is my mind so blank?

Why do I feel so disconnected?
I want to be more detached
Why am I such a failure?
Is this all because I actually took care of things for once?
I actually did something I needed to do, and what?
Now I'm ridiculously down about it?

Does helping myself make myself feel like this much shit?
Is this simply a reflection of how much I fucking hate myself?

-K.M.
Circa 2021